It's the strangest thing.
Recently, I was playing tennis when I took an overhead smash to the skull; I was out cold. When I regained consciousness, I found that every bid of conservatism had been knocked clean out of me; I woke up Woke... I was a full-blown liberal!
Naturally, as a liberal, I found myself embracing all sorts of strange things, DEI, for instance, especially the equity part. As you know, equity differs from equality; for us liberals, equality of opportunity sucks... it means I have to actually work to achieve success.
I like equity much better... I'm rewarded with the same outcome whether I work or not; the rules of equity ensure I'll achieve the same level of success as everyone else, no matter how lazy and shiftless I am. As a newly-minted liberal, I can apply those principles to my tennis game, and so, taking advantage of the rules of equity, I'll soon be heading up to New York to play in the U.S. Open
No? I can't? Why not? Sure, I'm old, but equity makes that meaningless. Sure, I didn't start playing tennis until I was in my 30s, I took no lessons, I never had a coach, I didn't practice hours on end for years and, whilst not without some natural ability, I'm no Novak Djokovic. But, hey... none of that matters because, under the rules of equity and its requirement for equal outcomes, the Djoker and I should end up playing an endless tie-breaker. Equity, baby... a loss would violate the rules, and we liberals enforce them with extreme prejudice!
But... just in case equity needs a little help, as a card-carrying liberal, my back-up plan is to slip into a tennis skirt and enter the women's half of the tournament. As you know, we liberals demand that biological men be allowed to compete against women, and so, with that AND equity on my side, one way or another, that championship is mine!
Unless, that is, during the tournament, I take another smash to the skull and wake up a conservative again... assuming I ever regained consciousness after the first knock on the head. Perhaps my recent life as a liberal and the equity that comes with it is just the product of a closed head injury; maybe my U.S. Open aspirations are nothing more than a dream. I sure hope not, because I can't wait to ace the final point on center court...
Wearing my beautiful new Harris/Walz T-shirt. And then, to my adoring, equity-loving fans, I'll bow... or curtsy, as the case may be.
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